Salmon at Cenarth Falls have requested an escalator, describing the current arrangements for getting upstream as “unnecessarily fucking difficult”.
The proposal includes a single upward escalator, a sheltered waiting area and a ban on spectators offering encouragement.
Spokesfish Dai Salmon said: “I’ve dodged predators, swum miles and now a bloke in a fleece is shouting ‘Ooh, nearly!’ while I try to get home for a shag.”
The fish stressed that they were happy to stand on the right, provided nobody tried coming down the other side.
“We haven’t come here to perform.”
“We haven’t come here to perform,” Dai added. “This isn’t bloody Britain’s Got Talent. I’ve got somewhere to be.”
Visitor Malcolm Price said he sympathised but worried the escalator would spoil the experience.
“I’ve just paid for parking,” he explained. “If they’re all at the top in thirty seconds, what am I supposed to film? The wife’s already been round the gift shop.”
Officials confirmed that the scheme would require a six-month consultation, during which salmon would be invited to explain why they needed to be upstream.
Dai asked whether the consultation could take place while he was on the escalator.
Told it could not, he withdrew the request.
“Fuck it. I’ll jump.”
