The Foil Cape of Brynaman. Experts insist its resemblance to something handed out after a half-marathon is purely coincidental.
A campaign has been launched to celebrate two of Upper Brynaman’s greatest historical treasures: a third-century platinum cape and a Ford Capri purchased with the compensation money.
The local heritage society hopes to display a replica of the legendary Foil Cape of Brynaman alongside the restored vehicle in a new museum, complete with a café serving hot and cold snacks and Welshcakes.
“We want visitors to experience the full sweep of our history,” said a spokesperson. “From ancient metalworking to the vinyl roof.”
The cape was reportedly beaten from a single piece of pure platinum, which, at the time, was mined exclusively near Prestatyn, before the local economy diversified into caravans and disappointment.
Historians believe its intricate shape was achieved using deer antlers and conkers.
“The craftsmanship is extraordinary,” said a heritage society representative. “People underestimate what our ancestors could achieve with patience, determination and a sufficiently hard conker.”
Asked whether the conkers had been soaked in vinegar, the society confirmed that academic opinion remained divided.
Thirty years on a shed
The cape was discovered in 1938 by a local farmer clearing an old well in Upper Brynaman. Recognising immediately that he had found something flat and waterproof, he used it to repair a hole in his shed roof.
For the next thirty years, one of the most important artefacts in Welsh history protected half a bag of lime and a wheelbarrow with a puncture.
Its significance was eventually recognised by a travelling antiques dealer, who spotted it gleaming in the summer sunshine.
“He told the farmer he had something priceless on his roof,” said the society. “The farmer said he knew. It hadn’t leaked since before the war.”
The cape was taken to the British Museum for verification and restoration. The farmer received £1,000 in compensation from the Queen, which he promptly invested in the first Ford Capri in West Wales, costing £890.
The remaining £110 was reportedly put aside for petrol and repairing the hole that had reappeared in his shed.
The warlord who ordered one pint too many
The cape is believed to have been commissioned by Arglwydd Arfryn, a fearsome warlord whose dominion stretched from Garnant to Cwmllynfell: a vast territory when you consider that everyone had to walk.
Arfryn ruled through intimidation, military strength and an insistence that people admire his cape whenever he entered a room.
His reign ended at the Battle of Cwm Gors in 378, following an incident in the beer garden of the Queen of Hearts.
Sir Keith of Monmouth, who was merely passing through, accidentally knocked over Arfryn’s pint of mead.
Arfryn, already on his ninth, responded by declaring war.
What followed has been described as one of the bloodiest military engagements ever fought between a picnic bench and the outside toilets.
Despite fierce resistance from his supporters, Arfryn was slain while attempting to order his tenth pint mid-battle.
“Raising his arm proved a disastrous tactical decision,” explained the society. “His men thought he was signalling a cavalry charge. He was trying to get the attention of the woman collecting glasses.”
Sir Keith continued on his journey, leaving behind a power vacuum that has never been satisfactorily resolved.
The area, particularly north of the Napoli pizza and kebab takeaway, has remained largely lawless ever since.
A future for the past
Fundraising will cover the replica cape, restoration of the Capri and suitable display facilities for both.
The society anticipates that recreating third-century platinum craftsmanship will be considerably easier than finding two decent front wings for the Ford.
Plans for the museum café are already well advanced.
“We’ve agreed on Welshcakes, toasted sandwiches and a soup,” said the spokesperson. “We haven’t secured a building yet, but everyone felt it was important to get the difficult decisions out of the way.”
Visitors will be asked to take particular care when carrying drinks.
“We cannot afford another change of the Community Council.”
